Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
