I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
