I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
