How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
