The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
