i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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