sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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