Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I think I am morally bankrupt
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
