Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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