At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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