he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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