I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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