haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
