I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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