I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
