Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
