Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize