I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
