Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
