Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
