final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
