I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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