I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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