Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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