I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The dick lei will go down in squad history
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize