John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
