New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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