9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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