It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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