I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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