I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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