Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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