Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
