im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize