just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
