the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
