I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
