I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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