I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
