Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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