I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Randomize