i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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