i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
