you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
