someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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