I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
