Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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