Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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