based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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