Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
