Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize