She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
