It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
