who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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