I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
