1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
