I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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