Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
