I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
