I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
