Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
