I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Randomize
